So a few folks from the studio and I spent the last 6 days in NYC... it was actually supposed to only be 4, but Jesus thought we should stay a few more days to see all that NYC had to offer, and sent 8 inches of rain to help make sure it happened. This having been my first time to New York City, it was pretty amazing. Full of adventure for sure. Let me tell something to you...
2 days ago, while walking from the White Rabbit to retrieve the tripod from my truck, a homeless guy flagged me down:
H.G.: "Excuse me sir!" *Throws Hands in Air* "I don't have no weapons, I don't got no weapons!"
Me : "I don't have any weapons either, so if something goes down, we're both screwed."
H.G.: "Hey man, I'm gonna be honest with you. I just wanna buy some beer before the store closes and wanted to see if I could get some money from you.
Me : "I don't have any cash, man. I only carry my credit cards with me."
H.G.: "You don't even have any change at all? Anything at all..?"
Me : "No man, all I have are my keys."
H.G.: "Aw well shit man, that's never good." *Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some change* "Here you go man." *Hands me a penny*
"Because no man should ever be penniless."
------------------------------------
That penny is now hanging on my wall. Given time, it will probably be framed. I've thought a lot about that penny since I received it... whether the guy finally came upon something that he could say to people to make them feel like shit for not giving him money, or it was just the way that he was raised and he honestly believes that, it doesn't matter at this point.
I've still got the $5 bill that I had in my pocket when I talked to him. That should probably go with the penny.
- Mack Damon, Juelz Santana, Lil' Wayne, Me -
Fuckin' rock. Fuckin' weed. Fuckin' tacos.
Class in 3 hours. I need a shower and a baller fan.
| Date: | 2006-09-15 20:17 |
| Subject: | Oh fuck... |
| Security: | Public |
| Music: | None |
So, it seems that this period in my life is the time for self-reflection. The breakup between Jen and I has caused me to evaluate what kind of person I am emotionally and romantically. The recent reappearance at the studio of the topic of the Enneagram (which I have purchased the book by the way) has caused me to evaluate my life motivations and my inner workings as a person.
And now, my pre-req class for my Capstone class next semester is all about self-evaluation, and this class is designed to help determine my career goals. As an assignment, we had to take a quiz. Here is what it said:
"INTPs love to solve problems, and the bigger and more theoretical the problems, the more they enjoy it. INTPs want to understand their world in an honest way, so they challenge existing expert opinion until they have satisfied themselves that it is true. There are times when this intellectual honesty is mistaken for rebellion. INTPs hold intelligence in high esteem and will usually do well in school. However, they may not achieve high grades in particular courses if they lose respect for the subject matter or the teacher. INTPs make quiet friends who value their independence."
I totally love the part about school.
-------
What in the fuck is going on with the world right now?
Did this a few days ago, but never posted it up. Since everyone else is doing it.....
My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness To Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
I think I've figured it out.
9, 8, 1, 2, 3, 5, 4, 13, 7, 14, 10, 12, 6, 11
Looks right to me, let me know if you think differently, IF you even have time to listen to the whole CD in that order, and every song does have a reason for being in it's place, I didn't just throw shit somewhere cause I had to. Cause yes, Chop Me Up DOES have some sort of meaning, to me anyway. I can explain it all if you so choose to hear.
BTW: Macy's and Dillard's has their Zoo York shit on sale. You should go check it out. If that's still your thing.
and it's never really real until you see it with your own eyes.
Damn that hurts... more than it should.
| Date: | 2006-08-29 00:09 |
| Subject: | J.T. is the shit |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | indescribable | | Music: | The Best Shit Ever |
Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around... Comes Around
Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in me,
You know I gave you the world,
You had me in the palm of your hand,
So why your love went away,
I just can't seem to understand,
Thought it was me and you baby,
Me and you until the end but I guess I was wrong,
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Tell me is this fate
Is this is the way its really going down?
Is this is how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were going to make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Yeah
Now Girl,
I remember everything that you claimed,
You said that you were moving on now,
And maybe I should do the same (maybe I should do the same)
Funny thing about that is,
I was ready to give you my name,
Thought it was me and you baby,
And now its all just a shame and I guess I was wrong,
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Can you tell me is this fate
Is this is the way its really going down?
Is this is how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Yeah
Goes around comes around
Yeah
Goes around comes around
You should know that
Goes around comes around
Yeah
Goes around comes around
You should know that
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Tell me is this fate
Is this is the way its really going down?
Is this is how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Yeah
-----------
Such a good motherfucking song.
| Date: | 2006-08-22 13:16 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
So if today really is the end of the world, thank you for the good times.
If it's not... well... shit.
| Date: | 2006-08-21 15:45 |
| Subject: | Wow |
| Security: | Public |
*******
Now that I've had a chance to calm down, I've realized that I need to just let everything go. What's done is done, and there's nothing that will bring us back together.
| Date: | 2006-08-17 06:30 |
| Subject: | Fix Me |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  depressed | | Music: | Coldplay - Fix You |
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from your mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
---------------------------------
Someone, please fix me.
i think about why God hates me so
then i think about how stupid that sounds
i think about how i can be forgotten so quickly, and how the family and friends can just ignore me
i think about the speeding ticket i got today, and how it applies to my life
"Love doesn't pay the bills. Money can't buy love." Goddamn it I fucking love her, and money isn't worth shit unless you have someone to spend it with or spend it on
i think about waking up and her being here, telling me everything is ok
i think about how much she doesn't care because she won't call when she says she will
i think about how much fun she's having without me
i think about how long she's been waiting for this
i think about how i've cried more in the last 4 days then I have in my whole life
i think about how much of a girl i'm being
i think about all of the things i do in my life that she influences, and how those things will never be the same
i think about the last conversation we had, and how fucked i am
i think about being replaced
i think about why a piece of shit like me deserves a woman like her
i think about how unhappy i am, and how unhappy i will be
i think i deserve this, because what i did to get her
i think life sucks
i think about how she's already removed some aspects of me from her life, and think about how much longer she will take to finish me off
i think of the old man from the "MovieTickets.com" trailer and how much i feel like him
i think about screaming and crying until my lungs collapse
i think about how this is so easy for her
i think about her underwear
i think about how sexy she is after she mows the lawn, or even more so when she just wakes up
i think about what it would be like for her to call me and say that she loves me and would like to marry me
i think about how much longer it will take for this nightmare to be over
i think about our daughter Turbo, and how her new daddy will treat her
i think about how i'm a failure
i think about what i'm going to do now after my surgery
i think about who will keep me afloat in life
i think about what there is to live for
and wonder why i'm so fucking stupid.
I'd like to add to the statements that I made last night... while I ended the phone conversation while I was in an emotional state I didn't wish to be in, I realize it was selfish of me to not allow you to finish your explaination. And for that, among other things, I apologize for.
Opposed from this message, which you may never read, or which you may never care about, until I hear from you (if that happens), the only other contact from me will be the package with your things, that should arrive between tomorrow and Tuesday. I've gotten adequate insurance for it, so if anything is damaged, let me know, and I will get it repaired or replaced.
I am sorry that it has come to this for me to realize the things that I need to improve upon in order for me to finally improve upon them, and for that it seems to late. Let this not be mistaken, this is not an act of desparation, this is an act of love. While you may not care for me the same way that I care for you anymore, I do still love you, and that is not a feeling that will go away any time soon.
You said that it's been three amazing years. That it has. I remember the first time that we kissed. I knew then that I didn't want to kiss any other lips but yours. I knew that when I fell in love with you, I would never have to worry about falling in love with any one else in my life. I knew that every morning I woke up next to you, the best way to start my day was to tickle you and get the smile that pulls me out of whatever hell I've ever been stuck in. And I realize that after last night, I have gotten what I've deserved, not only for failing you in my treatment of you, but the failure of how I've treated myself and any others along the way. That many of the things that I did were not representative of how a man should treat someone... how a husband should treat his wife. How I've failed at handling responsibility. Who am I to speak to you about responsibility when I have failed in it myself? I'm sorry that it's taken me wasting 3 years of your life for me to figure it out... I has in fact been a wonderful 3 years. You have given me the best time of my life... I'd like 3 years more, then three after that, then three after that, until we even forget how long we've been married to each other... but we still live for the morning tickles. I want nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with you. I wish that you would give that to me.
Take care of our daughter. Tell her I'm sorry for letting you down, and give her a hug and a kiss for me. Let her energy be a lasting image of the love that we once shared for each other, how excited we once used to be to spend life with one another. Take care of Telena, who can be a better best friend then I can apparently be. She will make a fine sister-in-law for someone, and one day, regardless of what she wishes to think, that she will make someone a better wife then they have ever imagined they'd think they could find. Tell your parents to be strong, for things always seem to have a way of working themselves out, regardless of what struggle comes before the outcome. I will miss your mothers Taco Soup... I will miss her screaming at the TV during boxing... I will miss her "Oh, Fuck". I will miss your dad's stories, regardless of if they were with a strong voice or a soft whisper. I will miss sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night for tea and Cheese-It's.
Most of all I will miss you. There are many things that I'd love to talk about missing, but barring the audience that may be reading this as well, I'll keep the memories to ourselves. I'm sorry that we never made it to the dinner and movies we'd had planned... I'm sorry we couldn't spend more time together at the river. Sorry that we couldn't spend more time together in life. Sorry that it has come to this, that you don't care to see me. I'm sorry I can't be more of a man, that when my heart is broken, I have to run to my parents to cry on their shoulder, because I have no one else to go to... nobody else who can help me with the pain I feel like they can. Other than you, they are the only foundation that I have left. Sorry that you couldn't love them like they loved you, regardless of if you believed it or not. Sorry I never got your FAFSA done, that we never got your sound system installed. Sorry I don't get to wrap up in the green blanket with you anymore. Sorry I don't get to send you the cool flowers that I have always wanted to, but planned poorly for.
Whether you've found someone now or find someone later, love them with as much love as you once had for me, the love that I could feel from San Antonio... the love that made me know that when I first drove to Dallas to see you, I'd never find another love like it, and that I'd never believe that I'd have to try.
Thank you for everything that I have become by helping me better myself. You have helped me come more out of my box then I did three years ago, but I know that I need more work. Thank you for the love that I have felt, thank you for the security that I've felt. While we must learn from the good and the bad, thank you for the pain that you've helped me feel too.
I love you, and hopefully now you will get the space that you've been wanting for so long. Hopefully after you have your time, you will realize that you want to be with me. Hopefully I will get that call from you, but should things not go the way that I would like, take care of yourself, your family, and your friends. You may one day need them like I have needed mine. May you have sweet dreams that I have not been able to provide for you. And may the power of love change your life like you have changed mine. Turd.
With love,
Me
| Date: | 2006-08-08 15:51 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
I believe that the end of my world is near.... where the fuck is Bruce Willis when you need him?
| Date: | 2006-08-05 03:29 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | worried |
...
| Date: | 2006-07-17 04:30 |
| Subject: | Yep |
| Security: | Public |
Back on MySpace. Peep that shit.
http://www.myspace.com/patrickowen
I can't ever remember having a relationship with my brother. The memories I have of him are extremely vague, and really come down to a few specific instances where we either did something together or something was happening to him. Until he was kicked out of the house at around 16. From there, he's been in and out of school, jail, rehab, Texas, etc etc...
I'm waiting on the call from my sister or my mom telling me that he's dead....
He's never been able to get his life back on track since as far as I can remember. Numerous people have stepped out to help him at different points since then, but he's never been quite able to make it. He's got a wife he's been separated from for years, because he can't afford to get a divorce... she's tried to sue him for child support for the 2 or 3 kids that she's had from other people (which these kids were also created whenever he was either in jail or out of the state).
He's slit his wrists again. He's been found sitting in the middle of highways in Florida waiting for a car to run him over. He's wrapped telephone cords around his throat, driven nails through his hand, been found lying in ditches... His real dad (whom I've never met) doesn't pay much attention to him, but he finally got off his ass and checked him into a place for those who are a danger to themselves. This is only good for 72 hours. Amy says that if he gets checked in again, they can keep him for longer... all he wants is help, but nobody will give him a shot.
I feel helpless for numerous reasons, and the more I think about it, the more it bothers me... I don't have anyone to talk to about this, nobody is around... The one person who I'd like to talk to could probably give a shit less at this point, especially regarding anything about me. I think perhaps it was the medication that made me such an asshole recently, but I think it has gotten out of my system, I think that's why we had a good week... but I forgot to call, and it snowballed from there. I haven't talked to her since the concert was over 3 hours ago, and while I'd like to be concerned, I'm not allowed. While I always tell her she can do what she wants, I like to know where she is to be on the safe side. I wasn't told of any plans after the concert, so I wonder if/when I should start to worry... my concern is generally taken as me "freaking out" cause she's out with other guys, so caring if often confused with jealousy.
I fell asleep after Jen texted me her phone was dying, only to wake up a while ago to nothing. I hope she misses me like I miss her... I don't know what to do about my brother, but I don't know what to do about anybody in a situation like that... seems like I'll have plenty of alone time to figure it out.
| Date: | 2005-10-04 14:31 |
| Subject: | For Shiz Niz |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  happy |
 Jen > all love plus
So things have gotten really busy in life lately. Schools keepin me busy when I go... I'm starting to get burnt out on the whole thing. I've only got about 3 semesters left (not including the current one), and the only thing that may pull me through is my music classes... and that's pushin it. I'm taking a Computer Apps in Music class right now, and it's shit I already know. I have to go to that class everyday though just because Dr. Sebald takes roll (and he kicks ass too).
As for the studio, things have been crazy. The owner/managment peeps have all been switched up, etc, so now there are less people involved than before. I've been busy with Dennis Bryant stuff, but I can't complain about that. It's actually really easy, and I'm makin some money. I just got a $400 check, so that's nice... If I was smart, I'd go prepay my rent for December.
I'm actually proud of myself.. I haven't asked my parents for any money in a long ass time, even though they've offered it. Sure, my bank account is empty now, but, it's kinda liberating. (They did give me $300 a month or two ago when I went to the dentist, but they did that because my insurance didn't cover it)... so, I dunno if that counts or not.
Jen and I are doing excellent. We've decided that we're going to start stepping things up a bit to help us get to where we want to go. There have been a few unnecessary bumps, but that shit happens. I get to see her in a few days, so that will be super.
I've started to get into web design again... I've made two websites in the past two or three months, one www.rogueentourage.com (for our CS Clan), and the newest www.texasclub.org (hopefully it will become THE gaming community for Texas players)... I've been learning Dreamweaver as I go along, and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm sure all of my rE peeps are pissed off because I've spent more time on the TX Club site then I ever did on the rE page. But now that I know Dreamweaver alot better, I'll get into Flash a little bit and try to step up our page.
Jen wants to get a local LAN team together, and I think that would be excellent. I'd be down for a good LAN, especially if we did well and earned some money. We've found some good DFW area players who would probably be interested in puttin something together, but we'll have to see. The only downside I see to everything is the fact that RoadRunner has been pissing me the fuck off lately with my 200+ ping to every damn server I connect to. I called TWC and they were supposed to fix shit, but when the tech came out to the apartment, he said everything was cool. Bastard.
I played Tavis in some Command and Conquer: Generals last night. It was kinda nice to play a game other than CS for a change. He whooped my ass the first game, and the second game I had him to the point of quitting, but I got "a serious error" from C&C... so it can blow me. Their online/multiplayer shit sucks ass (the whole chat room gaming room thing). We finally got it working. I've been waitin to see if Tavis gets on so we could play again, but it being a Sat night, he's prolly got a show.
Speaking of that, Panic Division is gettin back into the studio. I'm actually surpised as to how much I like their music. Matt and I burnt a copy to jam to on our way up to Round Rock two weeks ago, and I've been listening to it non-stop ever since. Hollowpoint will be coming back as well so Ybarbo can redo all of the bass parts and they're gonna cut 3 new songs.
So I'm not too sure what I'm gonna do right now. I wish I could fix my ping problem because I would actually like to play CS, but it's just pissin me off. I'd call TWC, but they'll probably just tell me that I need to bring the router in (again) and get a new one. This wireless shit isn't as cool as I thought it would be... too laggy. And not worth the extra $10 a month. Nick says that it's always been just as fast, but all he does is gets online and downloads music videos all day, so he's not uber l337 hardcore gamer OMFG my ping went up 2+ I'm gonna die now kinda person. He just doesn't understand. noob. ROFL.
I'm such a nerd. Anyway, so I'm off to do something. Jen, I love you.
Peesh.
| Date: | 2004-10-04 03:09 |
| Subject: | Should be asleep.... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sleepy | | Music: | Coldplay - Don't Panic |
So I should be sleeping now, but I'm not. I'm waiting in line to get the Garden State soundtrack. I've got about 12 minutes left (hopefully), so I figured I'd do a little updateoooo.
I made a trip up to Dallas this weekend to see Jen. I've noticed that every post I've made lately has deemed the past weekend visit as one of the best weekends I've ever had with Jen, but this one surely tops most of them.
I've started to leave to go to Dallas late Thursday nights. It's alot easier for me to go late at night, because I don't hit traffic anywhere on my way up 35, and I don't have to worry about getting up early on Friday morning to get to D-town. The only thing that sucked about this trip was that I ended up getting a ticket for doing 78 in a 65 (on I-35)... so, I've got to quickly figure out what to do to take care of this $160+ ticket. Shit sucks.
Friday we went with Rick to go see Garden State. It's not a movie I would have opted to go see on my own, but it turned out to be a really good flick. There are alot of similarities between that movie and Jen's and my life. Things that have happened to us separately, and things that have happened to us as a couple. The soundtrack does kick ass though.
On a side note, I haven't listened to the radio in forever. Shit's repetative, and you can always find one song playing at the same time on another radio station. That shit pisses me off if it's a bad song. I've been starting to listen to more uncool college-radio type music. I've ended up gettin Jen hooked on this artist called "Frou Frou".... and that would be thanks to Tavis (which would be thanks to Colton)... anyway...
Saturday we ended up just hanging out, and we went to bed early. Saturday was a little rough because some things got the best of me, and some shit happened... It's hard to forget the past and try to forgive whenever remnants of the past come around and poke their head up every once in a while. It wasn't a matter of jealousy, more of a matter of curiosity. I've tried to stay out of things and let them be taken care of on their own, but it just didn't seem to have happened yet. There'd be conversation here or there, and a lack of understanding to the circumstances. Instead of saying something out of fear, my mind started to get the best of me and just made me upset. It could have looked to have been a matter of trust, or lack thereof... Trust is the hardest thing for me to do, given my background. Pretty much once something happens to taint that trust, it's hard for one to earn it back. I just know how people are, and one way or another, I always end up right. I just decided to say fuck it... everyone gets theirs in the end, no matter what happens. Someone hurts or betrays me, they always get the hurt thrown back on them or betrayed by someone else. So I'm not worried anymore...
After discussing old issues that still bothered me in regards to contact with someone else, Jen and I had quite the conversation in regards to the future for us. All I can say is that it's all the good shit anyone can ever wish to happen to them. It's starting to happen to us. It's gonna take some work to get to the finish line, but Jen and I both agreed to work with each other to ensure that we get there, together. That's all I want. Her.
Other than that, everything else is just keepin on keepin on... Work is starting to pick up alot, which totally kicks ass. We've started doing video projects, which is bringing in alot of cash for the studio, Matt, and myself. Nevermind the fact that most of the bands that come into the studio and record with us end up getting a record deal in some form or fashion. It sure is something that I'd like to talk about because I'm proud of all of the guys and that things are workin out for them, but I don't know all of the details, and am not sure what all can be said anyway.
Gotta start workin on the Counter-Strike stuff again... Jen and I ended up reforming our team, and have changed the name to Rogue Entourage. We kick ass. ROFL. I've been working on a non-php version of the website, everyone else says it looks good, but I think it looks like ass. The forums are really the only thing that work, and I can't find any skins to make it look better. So, that really looks like ass.
Not sure what we're gonna do about the Winter CPL. Obviously, Jen and I having gone to their few past events, we'd love to go again, but I dunno if we can get a team together. There are some guys that go to college with Jen that we'd like on the team, but I don't know if it would work or not. I think they've got enough to go on their own. I'd like to go, but then again, I'm kinda worried about this one. But it's stupid.
It took a little longer than 12 minutes, but it's almost done. I will attempt to wake up in about 4 hours to go work on my MIDI project for my computer applications in music class tomorrow. I lost the sheet that had our requirements on what to do for the thing, so I've got to go in early and see if I can track down stuff, and check to make sure my stuff works. I know there's a little bit of formatting that I need to do, but I'm gonna just start to do my projects at the MIDI lab at the school. It's cool to do the shit at the studio on our kick ass gear, but when you're working with Genral MIDI, it doesn't matter about the kick ass gear, cause you use busted ass sounds anyway. Bah.
I'm off to sleep. 3:48.
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theperiodman's journal
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